It has taken me a while to eventually write this entry. But I once read that the best way to move past things is to communicate them. And I reckon one of the best forms of communiacting something is by means of writing. So I am going to try my best to write about my big love.
'Big love' I hear you ask? This is my view on the whole concept of love. Some might disagree, but since everyone is entitled to their own opinion - here is mine;
As I said in a previous blog, I beleive that you get a few small loves in a lifetime These could be the first time you thought you loved someone when you were 14... or little relationships that may be serious but don't last forever, I think these are often mitaken for infatuations, but are still wonderful parts of a person's life.
A big love. I think this is an important love, someone you really do love with every piece of your heart, it is when you are no longer confused as to what love is - and you feel that you could possibly spend the rest of your life with this person. If big love is lost, it means heartbreak, something you can't just get over in a short period of time. If you are lucky, you can have more than one of these in a lifetime, but only if you are really lucky - because usually your first big love will be really hard to measure up to.
And then a great love. Now I think this is your true love, the person you are meant to be with for the rest of your life, someone you will create a family with, and be married to. Your great love is the biggest one in life. And it doesn't really matter when or where you find him or her, because usually great love finds you.
Rob and I dated for 14 months from the beginning of matric to the April of last year when I was in England. We started out as friends when we were in a school production together in Grade 11. But jeeee did I have the biggest crush on him. although he wasn't the most open of people, he had gone through a lot of difficult things in his life that I think made him close up to any talking about emotions or things deeper beyond the normal boundaries of conversation.
But somehow, I managed to get him to open up to me. I think for a long time we said we were friends and nothing more. I even dated someone else to try and get over that - which in turn didn't effectively work out; Rob asked me out at the beginning of the year after December holidays. I remember the night clearly, I read the message on my phone and the smile that came across my face was definitely no where near the mass of smiles my heart carried. Throughout the year we spent endless amounts of time together. We went with each other to our Matric Dances, we spent time in Australia together at World Youth Day. I becaem a part of his family as e became a part of mine. I was truly and utterly in love with him, with all my heart. I remember writing a lsit for him; 100 reasons why I love you. And afterwards I could still think of more reasons. We became connceted on every level, and made the best memories together.
As excited as I was for my gap year overseas, leaving him to go to England was so hard. And being away from him, after seeing him so often in my life - was too hard for me. We said all that stuff to each other that you hear in movies and books; Our love is so strong that it can last a year away from each other, I can never picture myself being with anyone else but you.. But what I realised a month into being away, was life is certainly no movie or book. It is real. And it gets hard.
After we broke up I think I was the lucky one. I had other things to keep me distracted; travelling, meeting new people, new experiences. So he was forced to try and get over me in South Africa. And on the other hand, I ignored it and pretended I was fine by using my new experiences to feed my happiness from. Although I had an awesome gap year, I came back home and all of a sudden had to face reality. What made it worse is that I knew we couldn't get back together because the reason we broke up was because of the long distance. But I learnt to realsie that I wouldn't have felt that miserable without him if it wasn't meant to open my eyes to something. Seeing him for the first time this year was, well, awkward would be putting it lightly. How do you talk to someone you loved immensely after not seeing them for a year? By that time I still didn't know how I felt. But it didn't take long to figure out I still loved him.
When I saw him over this weekend I decided to let loose my emotions. I let him know how I couldn't believe I had lost him to something so small as distance. It took some time before we both told each other we would always love each other. And I will. You don't just stop loving someone you've felt that much for in your life. Seeing him and speaking gave me my closure. I think on some level Rob will always be apart of my life. It might take a long time to become good friends with him, but I have finally stopped crying. I can now look back on him and our memories with a smile.
When I was hurt about it all I heard was, 'If it is meant to be, it will.' Now I am a full believer in that. But what people might not realise that when it comes to love, you can't know if it is 'meant to be' or not. But if I look at the bigger picture, I see that I will know some day. But right now all I can do is live out my life day by day, not looking back on the past in sadness, and living for the future and for the moment.
It has taken me a long time to put those words together, and even longer to believe them and really feel them. I have learnt that all things take time to process and heal. Cliches are cliches because they are true. I can't make myself stop loving him, but I can learn how to look at it in a more positive light. A friendship may take its course in time, I hope.
So that is my big love tale. Maybe I'll bump into him one day in the future. * or maybe I won't, maybe I am still meant to find the great love. After all, it is the unpredictable nature of love that keeps it exciting.
I wrote this at the beginning of Matric, just after we started dating - it is very metaphorical, but explains from my heart the love I had for Rob really well.
Au Voir for now, happy reading.
My first encounter with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich”
There is a somewhat peculiar and enchanting duo of two unusual food products that I was introduced to when I was six years old. Unlike a fair amount of my perceptive, insightful six year old peers, the combination of crunchy peanut butter and fruity jam seemed absolutely normal to me. There is no harm in mixing up a sugary product with a savory one and placing it in between two slices of soft bread. But for eleven years now I have never fully appreciated the royalty of the invention. In fact, up until six months ago, I have always eaten a ‘peanut butter and jelly sandwich’ as if it were a regular sandwich...
When I first met him, I didn’t think we would land up where we are now. But one must keep in mind that the expectation of the combination of a nutty butter and jam is often very different to the final opinion. We were talking about how my memory never fails me (I was trying my best to impress him). Actually, if I recall correctly, I compared my memory to that of an elephants.
It didn’t take very long for me to see him as every girl sees her secret crush; a dollop of sweet, sugary, strawberry jam – practically perfect in every way. But as every secret crush works out in the deceptive, cunning world of the teenager – everybody else will know about your secret, except your victim. And so I tiptoed along the safety rope and accepted that I would have to go on using two separate knives to make my ‘PB and J’ sandwich.
Yes, I was sad to say that the jam knife would not know that the peanut butter knife wished with all its might to inevitable ‘smoosh’ (as my six year old self would explain) the two together.
However, my knowledge for PB and Js was gradually expanding as I got to know my dollop of jam a little better. I have always put butter underneath the peanut butter on my sandwich – seems odd, but I now know why. The coating of an unexplainable, additional layer of calories to the sandwich is what makes the humble meal extraordinary. The additional layer is the symbol of what we had in common; from making the same mistakes to finding the same things funny, to thinking and saying the exact same things, at exactly the same time.
I felt a certain safety in knowing that before I met him, he had also written thirteen essays in three hours instead of the usual two. I liked that he seemed sincere at first glance and that he took notice of things I said under my breath; things no one else heard. Soon I noticed that these aspects were in fact the extra coating of butter in the sandwich. They were the essence.
After realizing that the layer of butter could not go to waste – I turned again to my six year old self. A combination of innocence and curiosity filled her heart. She was not afraid of what the unfamiliar simultaneous spreading of peanut butter and jam would taste like. She ate her sandwich with conviction and genuine enjoyment.
The feeling told me that it was indeed time to use only one knife. I spread the peanut butter like I was learning to ride a bike. Then, without hesitation I dipped my peanut butter covered knife into the tub of jam. The result was superb. It was now easier to grasp why the peanut butter could not function without the jam. A plain jam sandwich now seemed rather ridiculous.
For the first time in my life I have found someone of the opposite sex who is easy to get along with. There are no complications. It is easy to look him in the eye and know that the simple things in the relationship make it all worthwhile.
And so it was that I had my first encounter with what the inventor of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches intended when he put these two food products together. I came to understand why I love the combination so much…
The somewhat peculiar and enchanting duo is by far the easiest sandwich to assemble, and thus it’s humility of delicious ingredients render the greatest results.
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